This week I feel like I went numb.
I know it is a weird thing to say. Here comes complete honesty and yes a little dramatics, but it is the truth. This week I feel I have been pushed past my breaking point and well… I broke. There was a culmination of an unexpected family death, a possibly Category 4 Hurricane and a frantically busy pace that has left me so worn out I can’t seem to recover.
The busy pace began when school started and has not let up ever since. Each day we have some practice, lesson or activity that must be accomplished. Add to that the growing concerns about my daughter’s sudden inability to do her homework and my son’s constant need for attention.
The frantic pace and the constant need to nag to get simple tasks done is nothing new for most parents. It is annoying but part of the parenting package. I just figured if I hang in there a few more weeks it will slow down and I can catch my breath. (We all know that this is a totally fallacy seeing as the rush of the holidays would be in full swing.)
Out of nowhere a family member unexpectedly passed away. This caused us all to go into a little bit of shock. It was surreal and weird. After it we were all a bit off balance. My kids behavior took a turn for the worse and I found myself getting more quick to become angry and agitated.
The day before the funeral we woke up to find we had to decide whether to flee our home from a possible major hurricane or stay and risk our safety. Me and my husband went back and fourth. I wrote about my fear of uncertainly in an earlier post here. But after deciding to stay, I was shuttered in alone with my children for 48 hours straight gripped by the possibility of impending doom and hyped by the local news.
I only tell you this timeline to set the stage for what let up to my feeling of nothingness. Friday morning we emerged from our home to find everything was fine. The storm had never turned our direction and instead set its sights on other areas (So sorry St. Augustine, Georgia and South Carolina.) There was no lost of power, down trees and roof damage like anticipated. We were elated or should have been. That is when I started to notice the numb feeling set in. I felt like I had used up all the emotions I had from sorrow to anger to despair. I felt empty, like I had nothing left.
So there I was alone with my children, who were going through there own emotional stuff, but I felt I had nothing left to give them. Over the next 3 days as we moved our lawn furniture back outside, my children’s behavior was more out of control then ever. I tried to talk to them about how they were feeling but after each conversation I felt like a failure. The constant pressure of trying seemed too much. I was failing them again and I just felt tired.
In our society there is so much pressure to be the perfect mom.
We all talk about this pressure but it doesn’t make it any less or make it go away. It just sits out there like a category 4 hurricane off your coast. Sometimes this pressure creates a big raging storm swirling with activity. Leaving emotional flooding and broken pieces in its aftermath. But sometimes it moves on past taking all your strength, energy, and warmth with it. Leaving things to appear normal but feel empty.
That is were I am at. The pressure of all the worrying, the fear and sorrow, the circulating fury of the motherhood maelstrom seemed to suck all my want, my energy, my life away. I feel like the sea after a storm. Calm but not peaceful, flat, dull, still.
So why do I share this with you? Why do I lay it all out there and be this raw and vulnerable? Because I know no one is perfect. We might never admit to it but I know I am not alone in feeling like this at times. Just figured there might be another mother mindlessly numbing herself at her computer. Another pressure filled mother who feels on the verge of losing it. I just want her to know she is not alone.