This morning my heart broke. I wanted not to rush. Just for one morning not to have to speed along a conversation with my children. So, I took some extra time to talk with them and I loved it.
Mornings in my house are a coordinated dance. Each part must move on time to get the whole body in-line and out the door before the clock strikes 7:00 am. This morning I messed up that dance. By doing the harmless act of taking extra time to talk with my children, I set our morning routine back. This caused a cascading effect of putting me late to get ready, late to get out the door and late in getting some many other things done.
I did not have lunches made. I had to get gas in the car. I had to stop at the bank. The snowball effect of a few extra minutes spent talking to my kids created mass chaos and ultimately resulted in tardiness.
I think to myself, is this worth it? Is being a working mom worth this? Each day when I leave for work I morn the loss of time better spent with my kids. I’m tired of rushing out of the house. I’m tired of cutting off conversations with my kids because I have to go to work. I’m tired of getting home so late. I’m tired of feeling like a failure as a mom because I took another shortcut making dinner.
I know there are trade offs to staying at home vs. working. I know we would be missing out on other things like being able to afford vacations, having more credit card debt, having added financial stress. But someday, like today, I think I would like to trade stresses so I could be the mom I want to be instead of this frantic rushing mom. The failure mom I feel like today.
I want to see them grow up and talk with them at length without a time limit. I want to have a clean house, do crafts, play. The life of a working mom only allows for this in the “fringe” hours. If your job is rewarding or you have no commute maybe it can work better but lately I feel pulled in two directions. My heart is at home. So I wonder is being a working mom really worth it?
This is kind of a rambling post, I was just feeling this today. So sorry if it seems overly emotional but it is a question I have grappled with since having children and some days it hits me particularly hard.
What are your thoughts? Is this a question that you have a hard time or have experience in? How did you and your spouse deal with this choice? If you are planning on having children how are you approaching this issue?