Today I celebrate 40 years of life. The Big 4-0hh. I’m not really sure how I should be feeling right now. I mean it is a exclamation point in life showing you have traveled through time a significant period. I feel a mix of emotions about it. I realize that at this point there are some areas of my life that I thought I would have accomplished more by now. Like having a career, being more financially set, and having a mastery of some sort of skill. I do kind of morn for the time that has passed and what I might have accomplished. It’s hard to realize there might not be enough time life for me to do all the things I have ever wanted to do.
However, along with this there is a an appreciation. A happiness that I have only just started to discover in the past year. In the realization that this life doesn’t last forever. I have come to appreciate what is truly important and have worked to make those things priority in my life. Letting go of drama and distraction. I have spent many years pre-forty feeling a bit lost and misguided, looking for something to be angry about. I admit I was terribly ungrateful for the blessings that I had been given. I truly didn’t know myself and what I wanted so I was pretty consistently unhappy with everything.
Entering into my 40th year I can honestly say I am truly happy. I have wonderful children who teach me everyday what true joy and fun are. I have a fantastically supportive husband, who is honest, genuine and a truly good man. I have also reconnected with those in my family who value me and have let go of those that do not. I have found a voice again, in writing this blog. (Thank you all for that.) And I have found a wonderful creative outlet in cake decorating thanks to a wonderful teacher and friend. But most of all, I have stopped trying to please everyone. I have stopped trying to be someone I am not. I’m just me. Oh don’t worry I’m still totally awkward, but I have come to accept this about myself.
Yes, this lesson came to me after 40 years, but it came to me. I have finally learned to accept myself for who I am. I finally realized that most of what I was trying to change was outside of my control. I realize I have some many blessing and gifts in my life now and it took me 40 years to learn to see that and appreciate them. I understand our time here, together, goes fast and we must love and appreciate what we have while we have it.
There is a little bit of melancholy inside happiness in turning 40. The lose of time, but the gaining of appreciation. The lose of youth but the gaining of knowledge. The lose of the future pursuits but the acceptance and understanding of our past struggles. I guess turning 40 is really about finding balance. Ironic huh???