This week I felt myself age. That’s weird I know. Sometimes some events bring up such new and sudden feelings in you that you might have never faced before, causing a new piece of you to emerge. A new part you didn’t even know was hiding within, awaiting for you to call it forth. Waiting for the right mix of emotion, circumstance, knowledge and experience to be fired together and bring out a new you. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes it’s just what it is. Like a wave beating against the shore, changing it slowly. Grain by grain until you look back and realize the beach is much shorter then it was. As the grains of sand are slowly pulled out to sea. Where am I going with this? I’m not really sure.
In my search for moderation and balance I realized, thru recent events, that I am one of the sandwich generation. Growing young children and caring for aging parents. Just as my children will not be in my home forever, my mother will eventually leave me as well. I have been unbalanced in this respect for so long. I was under the impression that if I nagged her into healthier habits I could keep the passage of time at bay. She of course would never listen to my nagging and this put a strain on our relationship.
I was trying to control things that were outside of my control. I was taking on a responsibility that was never mine to take on. Instead of respecting who she is and the choices she makes, I nagged, badgered and tried to get her to do it my way. This week, I recognized that in order to find balance in my life, I need to let go of things that are not in my control. I need to face that my mother’s failing health and aging are not something I can prevent or save. My nagging comes from a place of fear. Fear of facing that as I have aged, so have my children and my mom.
As I have enjoyed watching my children discover the world, I have been denying that time has passed in other areas of life. I may try to hold on to moments. I may try to fight against aging. I may try to pretend I can do something about what naturally occurs. But I realize if I am ever going to find balance, I must admit when things are beyond my control. I cannot bend time to my will. I can only accept the course of nature and let go.