Here I stand on the end of the diving board, my toes hanging over the edge. Looking down I see the serene, clear water below. I know in the water is where I should be, where I want to be. All I have to do is step forward. But I stand there, fearing the”what if’s,” motionless. Wanting to jump in, but too afraid to let go.
This is how I feel starting this blog. For months I had the idea, came up with a title, and made my about page. There I was all set to write the first post and I was to afraid to move forward, to scared to open myself up to criticism, to put myself, my “real” self, out there. My faults and needs, my wants and failures. My plan for this blog was to be an outlet for the words and feeling fighting for a place to go, but when the moment came I was so filled with self doubt, I did nothing
Since my idea for this blog was to chronicle my success and failures in my search for moderation, it is kind of funny that my first challenge was in just getting started. I have found it difficult to balance my self doubt with my want to get the words out of me. In this moment I realize this balance thing is going to be a lot deeper than I thought. How do I not listen to the self doubt and fear. How do I not overdo doubting myself?
The really remarkable thing about this is that I discovered the opposing force to my self doubt. It was that I really wanted to do this. I felt I have something to say and the worst that could happen is I learn how to swim. I made the choice either I am going to move forward or I will stay we’re I have been with no voice, no outlet. I decided not to turn around and leave the pool, but put on my floaties and jump in. Thank you for jumping in with me.